Gory Battle with Zombie Jesus

I was in a kid's playground in a heated fight with Zombie Jesus. His shredded, bloody, matted tunic was stuck in his wounds like a disintegrating burlap sack, and every cut on his body had some pieces of tanbark stuck to it from being thrown to the ground. The blood from his crown of thorns dribbled into his cold dead eye sockets and dripped from a broken and partially decomposed nose across graying patchwork skin.

I had a stiff rope with a knife tied to the end of it. I kept my distance and darted around him on the playground, going up and down the different levels and sprinting up the slide at times. Although I was much faster, it seemed that with his unrelenting and slow movements, Zombie Jesus was always closing in on me.

I swung the rope with all the might of someone fueled by all the adrenaline and fear one would expect when confronting their undead savior in a battle to the death. At one point Zombie Jesus grabbed on to my knife as I swung it at him, and I yanked hard and chopped his hand off right across the palm. This separated the knife from the rope and sent it flying out of view. With only a rope, I started to whack him like it was a whip but it had almost no effect since it was too stiff and thick for that.

Eventually the rope shredded into two pieces and I was able to tie his feet to the playground supports, and tie his hands with the other piece of rope. I twisted the rope at his hands and pulled tight, so that his body was stretched as far as it could. I then began to twist his entire body, until he was in an unnatural and painful contortion. I got a stick and put it in the twisted rope at his hand for leverage and began to twist harder, until his arms and legs, which were spiraled together, began pressing harder against each other until the bones snapped. Once the bones were broken I moved farther away and pulled harder, twisting until his rib cage buckled and the ribs fractured and he lay motionless.

A friend from school appeared and started singing a Christmas carol and it began snowing on the corpse. A church choir began singing an epic and moving melody about the twisting, crushing death.